


The Feelings Of Living

by Aaron_The_8th_Demon



Series: God Damn Apocalypse [7]
Category: Van Helsing (TV 2016)
Genre: Canon Temporary Character Death
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-11
Updated: 2018-09-11
Packaged: 2019-07-11 05:06:36
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15965327
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aaron_The_8th_Demon/pseuds/Aaron_The_8th_Demon
Summary: Everything about this feels wrong, somehow.





	The Feelings Of Living

**Author's Note:**

> A companion piece to [The Feelings Of Dying](https://archiveofourown.org/works/15959234) that made me write it. Because I'm scared to actually do a shipperfic around them even though I really REALLY wish they'd become a couple in the show. Somebody out there who's better at this than me, please please PLEASE write a REAL Vanessa/Axel fic. I will worship you for it because there is LITERALLY NOTHING about them.

 

Axel wasn’t even standing as Julius and Doc rolled up in Wanda. Vanessa knew he was really suffering, but after Dylan… she couldn’t watch Axel die because of her.

“Axel…” Doc breathed as she jumped out of the modified ambulance. “Who the hell’s this?”

“A friend, that’s all that matters,” Vanessa answered shortly. She watched Doc crouch by the ailing marine.

Julius really wanted to get out of there: “All good?”

“Yeah, if you count Dmitry buried under fifty feet of rock, so… yeah.”

Almost in response, Vanessa could hear said fifty feet of rock crackling and rumbling behind her. For better or for worse, The Farm was closed off to the world for good.

“That’s not gonna hold him,” Julius insisted.

“We need to move,” Vanessa agreed.

From Scarlett: “Okay.”

“We need to move,” Vanessa repeated, more loudly this time.

“Hey, no one’s going anywhere, he needs to feed,” Doc insisted.

“Why don’t you feed on her?” Julius yelled out, gesturing to Scarlett.

“Uh, no!”

“He could die!” Doc protested.

“I don’t care!”

“We gotta go right now!” Julius shouted.

“Okay, shut up!” Vanessa barked.

Doc was staring without blinking. “Please… he’s suffering!”

Vanessa agonized over this in her head, and only offered: “I don’t know what will happen…”

And then Axel was staggering upright, pressing his sidearm to his right temple. His breaths were ragged and he looked like absolute hell. Later, she’d wonder how he’d made it all this way, because he clearly hadn’t been feeding recently. Or if he had, it wasn’t enough.

“You bite me now or I’m done,” Axel demanded. His eyes were wide with pain, and underneath was disgust at the fact that he existed this way. “I can’t be this thing… end’a discussion.”

Oh, great. End of discussion. That was Axel-speak for _I’m not putting up with your shit, we’re doing things my way or not at all._

But still, Vanessa froze. Dylan had burned to death in her arms under the sun… it could happen to Axel, too… she couldn’t do that to him, not when he’d done so much for her.

He was breathing hard and couldn’t stand still, swaying a little like the wind was going to knock him on his ass at any moment. She read the weakness of his body, how much it hurt for him to be like this, and that he was desperate to make it stop any way he could. It wasn’t that Axel wanted to die, because Vanessa could tell he didn’t, but his refusal to live as a vampire was too overpowering.

That made up her mind for her. If he died because she bit him… then at least he could die human again. It was such an ugly thought.

“Vanessa… please just do it,” Doc begged quietly from behind.

She shook off her remaining hesitance. “Put the gun down, I’ll do it.” Axel was back on his knees, watching her, pleading with his eyes for her not to change her mind. He so needed for this to be over with. She started to bend down to him: “Whatever happens-”

“Just do it,” Axel insisted, not wanting to hear it.

She slid her hand around the other side of his neck to keep him still and bit down. His blood ran into her mouth - sour, like with all the others she’d turned by biting them, but the revolting taste was also… stale. Axel had never fed on a human who could be turned. His insane stubbornness had seen him through, getting blood via other means, because he’d just refused to become the monster that he already looked like.

Axel grunted a little, not just in pain, but with quiet notes of relief and gratitude mixed in. Vanessa realized that he believed he would be alright, now. It was over and it would stop torturing him. Only she knew the truth - this might just end his life entirely.

As she let go, she could hear Axel start choking, and then he was bent forward to start spewing blood onto the ground. “Good… that’s good…” Vanessa murmured, her hand still on his shoulder. “That’s good…”

She kept saying it, over and over, like that would keep Axel from dying the same way her daughter had. Like it would save him.

Axel wiped off his mouth on the back of his hand and started to move upright again. He looked at her - his eyes weren’t red, his skin was its original color. Axel was Axel again, if exhausted.

“Holy shit…” Scarlett muttered from somewhere behind her.

Vanessa couldn’t help smiling: “Hiya, soldier.”

“Hey,” he grinned back weakly. She helped him up by his arm. He groaned a little, but he was probably just drained from being turned back… she hoped that’s all it was, anyway. “Thank you…”

“Okay, okay, that’s great, now let’s get out of here…?” Scarlett interjected.

“Let’s go,” Doc agreed.

Vanessa let her hands back down to her sides at the exact moment that Axel stiffened, making a wounded noise in back of his throat.

“Axel?” Vanessa questioned, reaching out again as he grimaced and his blue eyes clouded over with pain again. Axel fell forward, but at least Julius caught him. “Axel… Axel! Doc, do something!”

“Get him to Wanda!” Doc ordered. Julius scooped the former marine onto his shoulder and they all rushed for the ambulance.

Axel was already still and quiet as they loaded him onto the stretcher. Julius was rushing them away from The Farm while Vanessa and Doc huddled over Axel. It was Dylan all over again… there was something that felt so _wrong_ about this, too. Like he was looking over her shoulder or something while she ripped open his shirt and started CPR.

“Don’t you die on me you son of a bitch,” Vanessa ordered him, clinging to the idea that he was in there and could hear her. “Come on… come on…”

There was a quiet whine, and then Doc’s voice: “Okay _move!_ ” The paddles were put to his ribs. “Clear!” Axel’s muscles seized visibly, but that meant nothing. “Check his pulse…” Vanessa put her fingers to her friend’s neck and couldn’t feel it. “Anything?”

“No.” Vanessa was just watching his face while Doc prepped the paddles again. “Come on… come on, Axel…”

The machine beeped. “Clear!” Shock. “Check it again!”

“No,” Vanessa reported. It was Dylan all over again.

“Dammit!” Doc threw the paddles and frantically turned to Scarlet. “Gimme my bag, gimme my bag!”

Vanessa was pushing down on Axel’s sternum again with all her might, willing him to cough or thrash or tell her to knock it off or _anything_ that would indicate she was wrong, he could still be saved, he would live. She so wanted him to live… after all this shit, Vanessa couldn’t just let Axel die, not like this… he needed to live… “Come on… don’t you die on me…” Doc was sucking up something into a giant needle. “What is that?”

“Adrenaline. It should get his heart started again and then I can figure out what’s going on.” She tapped the syringe - “Okay…” - and jammed it into his chest as hard as she could. The plunger was forced in, the needle pulled free…

…and nothing happened.

Axel didn’t move or open his eyes. Vanessa still had this feeling, like he was in there and screaming, trying to get out, but… maybe that was just her anguish. Because Axel couldn’t be gone. Not after all the shit he’d already put up with. Not like this.

Doc was leaning back, hand over her mouth.

No. No. Axel had refused to be a monster, and Vanessa would refuse to let him go out like this. She started more compressions, eyes on his face - it was blank, smooth, like a sleeping person. Empty. And it looked so wrong on him.

“Come on, Axel, come on…” She bent her head to listen, but there were no breaths. “Come on…” Vanessa grabbed hold of his shoulders and started shaking him. “Come on, Axel! No!” She banged her fist against his chest. “No! No no no no!”

It was so… wrong.

Everything about this was wrong. It was wrong that Dylan had died in the first place, and it was wrong that Axel was dead now. Vanessa couldn’t let go of the idea that he was still in the back of Wanda with them, that he could hear their words and feel their actions. Because it was wrong. Axel shouldn’t have died. She wanted so much to be wrong, that in her panic she just hadn’t been able to hear him breathing, that any second now he would start moving again. Like he was trying to, but just couldn’t. He was stuck and needed help getting back out again.

Julius brought them to a stop. He and Doc got out and walked a few yards… they started digging, and that was wrong, too. First they gave up on him and now they were just going to leave him…? Axel… no, this was wrong, it was all wrong and Vanessa knew it.

Scarlett looked at her, then wandered away. Even that was wrong, because her newfound sister was giving her space to say goodbye to her friend in private.

But finally, logic overruled the feeling of _wrong._ Axel was gone because she’d tried to help him, just like Dylan. Vanessa carefully slid him into a body bag, trying to be gentle even if he couldn’t actually feel it. He deserved some tenderness after everything.

“I’m sorry, Axel,” Vanessa whispered. “So sorry…” She leaned over and kissed him. A small corner of her mind wondered if, given the chance, she should’ve done it before now. Because now it was too late, and she’d never know. It was the only thing that didn’t feel like it was wrong. “Goodbye, sleeping beauty.” And slowly, hating herself a little for doing it, Vanessa finished zipping the bag over him as a tear ran down one cheek.

The four of them carried him, like they were doing a proper funeral from before the rising. It still felt wrong. “Easy,” she insisted as they lowered him down. “Easy.”

Scarlett threw on the first shovelful, only to be stopped by Julius: “Woah, woah, woah, what’re you doing?”

“I’m… burying him,” she answered, looking a little confused.

“No. Somebody’s gotta say something first.”

Vanessa looked over. “Doc.” But Doc just turned, hands on her head, and sank to the ground. Vanessa sighed. “Axel, you were a stubborn son of a bitch, but there’s nothing you wouldn’t do for a friend. Mankind lost a great soldier today… but heavan gained a hero. I’ll never forget you…”

“Amen,” Julius agreed quietly, crossing himself.

They started piling on the dirt.

Once everything was done with, Vanessa still couldn’t shake the _wrong_ that hung over her head. How could they just leave him there? This whole ordeal was off and it was making her crazy. Julius stopped driving after a few minutes, but she barely noticed. Even the other three going from zero to ninety in an argument over ten seconds didn’t really grab Vanessa’s attention. Because…

…because she’d been wrong, just like she thought. Axel’s heartbeat was sounding in her ears.

He was alive.

“Quiet…” They didn’t stop fighting. “Quiet!” She could hear him. He was alive. “Start her up.”

“What?”

“We have to go back,” Vanessa insisted. Axel was alive, and she couldn’t leave him buried more than a second longer than it would take to reach him.

“Go back?” Julius echoed, not understanding.

“Vanessa…” Doc tried to say.

“Just do it!”

Silently, as they turned around and raced back towards him, Vanessa pleaded for Axel to just hang on until they got to him. She threw open the doors and sprinted to the mound of earth, almost deafened by the sound of his heartbeat. Doc was shouting after her, but that was irrelevant. Axel was alive. Vanessa started clawing the dirt away, digging him free.

“Hang on, Axel, I’m coming…”

Doc was still trying to reason with her. And then came Scarlett’s words: “I can hear it.” She ran over. “I can hear it!”

Vanessa briefly looked over her shoulder to her sister. “Then why are you just standing there? Help!”

They threw fistfuls of dirt until the top of the body bag was unearthed… and as Vanessa unzipped it, the sound stopped. She pulled it further so that his face and arms were visible. “Axel…” He was still and quiet, just like before. Everyone was watching in silence. “I swear I heard it… I swear,” Vanessa insisted.

“I did, too,” Scarlett affirmed, sounding a little bewildered about it.

And then Axel thrashed like he’d been shocked, even though when they _had_ shocked him, he hadn’t noticed. He was looking all around, just as confused as they were. Then his eyes fixed on hers. “You _buried_ me? What’d you wait, like three minutes? I gave you three years!”

Vanessa started laughing, relieved, while he was trying to laugh and cough at the same time. This was right, finally, and Axel was himself, alive and quipping. She grabbed him for a hug and never wanted to let go. This wasn’t Dylan all over again. This was Axel - her friend, her marine, her favorite stubborn son of a bitch, and he was alive.

She took a few minutes to catch him up on the goings-on in the group, and things seemed to be fine.

Until she noticed him trying to stand in the sun.

“Axel _no!_ ”

Vanessa tackled him and they both fell. “What the hell are you doing?” Axel demanded. “Get off me!” She tried to cover him with her shirt… it wasn’t big enough, but Axel didn’t seem to be affected. His eyes were laughing at her. “You wanted another kiss, you could’a just asked.”

She was a little tempted to take him up on that… his strong body and handsome face were in very close proximity, and she was only human. Well… maybe not _only_ human, but still. She didn’t, though.

“You’re okay.”

“Yeah, except for the cracked rib on the way down,” Axel grumbled.

“Sorry, I thought…”

“Can I get up now?”

“Yes,” Vanessa nodded, but didn’t immediately move to let him. She was so relieved that he hadn’t been incinerated like her daughter had that it was all but paralyzing her. Then she frowned. “What’d you mean by kiss you again?” Had he really been stuck in there like she’d thought?

“I don’t know, sleeping beauty.” He shook his head a little and grinned at her, then put a hand on his chest and groaned “Oww…” in a tone that suggested he was doing it mainly for dramatic affect and wasn’t really hurt.

Which just went to show, again, that this really was Axel, and he really was alive. Vanessa was just so relieved that she couldn’t even feel weird about the fact that he knew she’d kissed him.

**Author's Note:**

> [This Tumblr post](http://street-of-mercy.tumblr.com/post/168157138093/hello-sleeping-beauty) (not my own creation) perfectly sums up how I feel about these two. I so want them to be a thing in the show but I never get what I want for anything ever, so I'm not holding my breath. That's why we have fanfic... except nobody's written for these two. I would except I'm not familiar enough, and if I can't do justice to the source material, then I won't write for it, because that's insulting.
> 
> ADDENDUM. I've now watched and re-watched all the episodes of the first two seasons (season 3 is still airing at the time of this additional note) and I'm more confident writing for Axel... just not so much for the other characters because he's virtually the only one I pay any attention to. So, I'd like to once again beg pitifully for someone who's better at this than me to write a real Axel/Vanessa fic.
> 
> Please leave comments/kudos.
> 
> If you enjoyed this work, please feel free to check out my original WIP, [Nucleus](https://archiveofourown.org/works/10027367).


End file.
